Record Collector
A man goes to a rare record shop and asks if there are any recordings of wasps. Yes, says the owner, and puts on a very rare record. Those aren't wasps, snaps the man. Sorry, says the owner. That was dthe bee side!

Local Priest
After 30yrs Father John had decided to retire as priest of the local parish. A grand send off dinner was held in his honor, the mayor was going to give a speech. But being the typical politician that he was, he was running late. So Father John decides to give his speech in the meanwhile.
"I remember the very first confession that I heard, the man was cheating on his wife, stealing money from his employer, had a weakness for drugs and prostitutes amongst other things. I remember thinking to God how could I be sent to the sinful city, but as I got to know all the people in this community, I realised wat a great flock I was given."
Just then the mayor came in. The priest sat down, the mayor took over, he apologised for being late and said, "you know when Father John first came here, I was privileged enough to be the first person to go to him for confession"

Letter Bomb
Makin a letter bomb. First Irishman says to the second, "hey Mick..dya think I put enough explosive in it"
Mick replied, "dunno open it an let me see"
First Irishman says "dont be fkn stupid it'll explode an kill me"
Mick went..."dont be so fkn stupid, it aint addressed to you!".

Hotel Lobby
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby. His elbows jabs into her breast when this happens, "Madam, if your heart is as soft as your as breast, I know you'll forgive me.", he says.
To which she responds, "Well if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 202"

Off Roadkill
Driving conditions are awful here. I just came off the road and hit a Muslim. Took me ten minutes, thruogh two fields and a golf course but I got the bastid.

Married Three Times
A young woman goes to the doctors for an internal. While examining her the doctor commented, "You've been married and divorced three times, yet your a virgin. How come?"
The young woman replied, "well the first was an astronomer, all he did was look at it. The second was a psychologist, all he did was talk to it. The third was a stamp collector, god I miss him!".

Tourists in Wales
Two tourists were drivin through Wales. They stopped in Llanfrydehogheadsheepshagginlandoferdisalpendychrystelwanagig for something to eat. When the waitress came up to take their order one tourist said, "before we order, can you please first settle a bet and tell us how you pronounce this place, slowly?".
The waitress replied, "Burrr...gerrr...kiii....nngg."

Scouser
A Scouser was stealing a joint of meat from Asda. The security guard shouted, "What ya doin with that?"
Scouser shouts, "Spuds, peas an gravy ya nosey bastid!!!".

Eskimo Comeback
An Eskimo travels down under. Rental car breaks down and local mechanic checks car.
Aussie: "Sorry to tell you mate, you blew a seal."
"So what,", eskimo replies, "you fk sheep!"

Professional Doctor
A man went to a doctor for a check up. He nervously waited for the doctor.
"How can I help you?", asks the doctor.
"I'll tell you but first you have to promise not to laugh.", replied the man.
The doctor said he was a professional and would treat him like all his other patients. So the man pulls down his pants, shows the doctor the teeniest, tiny penis he had ever seen.
The doctor couldn't help himself, he fell down laughing. When he stopped laughing he apologised for his behaviour and swore he'd be more professional.
"So what's the problem?", asked the doctor.
To which the man replied "It's swollen!"