1. Stupid
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach, and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now stupid, and will remain so for upto 12 hours.

2. Ugly
Never entirely happy with effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to discover that you have now become even uglier than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots, but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

3. Poor
Having crawled out of the bathroom and got dressed, you are about to stumble out of the door when you discover money that was to last the week, is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it, but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a take-away at some point. Alternatively, your pocket could have been picked, or you may have given the taxi driver a 50 note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't have been that stupid and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only person who bought the food and drinks all night, and you start to loathe all your friends.

4. Fragile
As you are now stupid, ugly, and poor, your consequently fragile self-esteem plummets. Your already fragile physical condition ensures that you feel liable to suffer if anyone even speaks to you.

5. Conspicuous
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this conspicuous condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too stupid to retaliate, too fragile to hit them, to poor to bribe them, and too ugly to hide.